When Life Hands You Lemons (reprise): A Random Saturday Morning Marathon

Distance: MARATHONNNNNNNN (26.22)

Previous PR: 4:17:43 (Chicago, 2016)

Result: 4:03:46

 Hey, y'all, remember this:

Pre-"Race" Thoughts:

Two days ago, I decided I was going to run a marathon today.

Why? Because, within twenty four hours, I went from having two highly functioning ears to being profoundly (and very likely permanently) deaf in my right ear (SSHL).

To have something so permanently life-altering come out of NOWHERE... Well, let's just say that dealing with changes in what's for dinner because we're missing an ingredient is hard for me to accept, so you can imagine how I'm handling this. 

My training partner had 17mi on her schedule. I'd missed her long 22mi run last week because I was sick in bed. I decided that all I wanted to do was run this s__t out. Maybe I'd do the 22 I'd missed. Maybe I'd say "nah, let's go all the way". I just felt this incredible need to push my body to do something amazing, to prove to myself I was still capable of something, to have control over something... when everything else felt like a freefall. 

I'd never planned on actually running a full marathon this training cycle (my training partner is doing Berlin in a few weeks, but I've really just been training alongside her "for support"), but this just kind of felt right. I haven't run in about a week since I've been sick. That counts as a taper, right? Should be fine... 

Goals

I thought about making this a real "race report", with my 90/50/10% goals, but, truly, I didn't even know if running the full distance (at any pace) was a 90% or a 10% goal until I was about 10mi in this morning.

90% Sure I could run the 17 with my partner, at a respectable pace
50% Sure I could do 20
10% Sure I could do the full marathon, or would even want to

Ultimately, I settled on these, if I was able to run the full distance:
90% Goal: 4:45
50% Goal: 4:30
10% Goal: 4:15

The Night Before

I took the day off work because I couldn't possibly focus on buildings when, at least once an hour, I'd have a thought about how being deaf in one ear will affect my life that sent me into hysterical crying. All I wanted to do was Google everything I possibly could about this new diagnosis, and just let my feelings take priority over everything else. 

I didn't really prepare myself very well at all for a marathon. By 4pm, the only things I'd eaten were a sandwich and latte at brunch with husband at 10:15am. I tried to find some motivation to make tomorrow feel like a marathon, and made a half-baked attempt at my usual pre-26.2 meal of frozen macaroni and cheese (for the sodium), ham, and broccoli. I barely made my calorie count for the day, thanks to an old-fashioned on the side. 

We stayed up later than I wanted with family game night. I found myself distracted with sniffles (sick? just residual from so much crying? who knows...), and thoughts of how I really hadn't prepared at all for the run tomorrow. 

I took a few minutes before bed to layout some clothes, KT tape (to prevent chafing between my sports bra and back), and an old pace band I never used from my last real marathon race (Chicago, 2016). I threw some Gatorades in the freezer, and decided I would run the 3-4mi down to the river to meet my training partner, just to get some extra distance banked. Then I went to bed, and tried to sleep with the constant ringing sounds I'll likely have forever in my newly deaf ear. 

The "Plan"

4:25am Run 3-4mi solo down to the river

5:00am Meet Training Partner for her 2mi WU
5:20am Training Partner begins 12-15mi @ MP. I run.
7:30am-ish Training Partner and I finish her run. My husband and kids meet me for the last 10K, assuming I feel like it
8:30am-ish Family hangout time at the playground

Course? Nope. We didn't really have that planned out. My TP had a loose route planned, and I just kind of figured I'd keep running after that however far I wanted to. 

The Morning Of

I woke up at 3:30am, 15min before my alarm, and came to the realization that there was no way I could get everything I needed down to the river, because I was running from the house. There went my plan of having a couple water/Gatorade bottles "on course" and a snack for after the run. Whoops.

I had thoughts of going for a 4:15 (previous PR=4:17), but the only pace band I could find was 4:10. That seemed... ambitious. Like, 10% goal ambitious. While It's totally within my training range and something I can physically do, it's not at all what I wanted to stress about today. Still, I tried to put on the 5 year old tattoo. It didn't work. I scraped off the two small pieces that stuck to my skin, and casually gazed at the 9:3X first mile pace and 2:05 half. 

Today was about overcoming something for me. One of the things I saw in a support group for people with my condition (SSHL) was a tattoo idea of the American Sign Language sign for "I love you". 

So I took some reflective tape and made the same design on my sports bra for the morning.

I threw a couple Gatorades in my shorts' side pockets, mace and a whistle in the waistband, and a whole bunch of honey stingers in my handheld, and headed off, for whatever the morning held in store.

The Run

Miles 1-3: These felt harder than I wanted them to, but I was pretty pleased that I was keeping around a 9:30/mi pace. At this point, I wasn't sure if I wanted to try to join my TP for her MP miles (but keep them more like a 9-9:15) or just play it safe and hit solid 9:30s for as long as I could. 

Miles 4-5: I slowed a bit on these (9:55ish), to let my TP warm-up. We enjoyed nice chatter, with her fully aware of my situation and kindly positioning herself on my left, so I could hear her as we ran. 

Miles 6-10: I opted against joining her for her MP miles. If I could just hold a 9:30, I thought, that would give me my best chance for the long run I wanted. I enjoyed running essentially alone through the dark pre-sunrise roads, thinking about anything and everything. 

Miles 10-13: As I closed in on 13, I realized I felt great. I hit just under the 2:05 mark, and it was here that I started seriously thinking, "OMG, I can do this. I can run a marathon today, AND I can probably hit a PR." Such a contrast to the last marathon I raced (Chicago, 2016), where I felt spent at the half, and was already just over my goal pace. Having several minutes "banked" where I could positive split (on a flatter/easier part of this course) really helped me, mentally.

Miles 13-18: I hit the lap button at 13.11 on my left wrist watch, and decided I would just look at my average pace to guide me for the rest of the run. I knew I was already well under 9:30 for the first half, so if I could just hit around 9:30 for the second, I'd have it made. My average pace for these miles was closer to a 9:20. 

I did have one moment of absolute terror on this run, where my good ear started hearing screeching, ringing noises, that just kept getting louder and weirder. I kept looking around, hoping to see the source. For about half a mile, I started believing that whatever happened in my right ear was happening in my left, which was really crippling. It kept getting louder, too. And then I saw a sad little car dragging part of its body along the ground, at about 5mph, coming up behind me. I have never been so grateful to see a mangled car along the road, especially because the sounds all vanished from my good ear shortly after it was out of sight.. 

Miles 18-20: I re-joined my training partner around 18, and we chatted about how great I was feeling and how awesomely her miles had gone. While we only ran "together" for four miles today, I never felt alone. I could always see her lights up ahead, or know that, within a mile, we'd be passing each other on our multiple out-and-back route. It was reassuring to know that she was also "out there", pushing hard herself. 

Miles 20-21: Some route/schedule issues enabled me to run these miles solo, after dropping my TP at her car, but before I met up with my husband and kids. I've never felt this good at mile 20 of a marathon. I don't think I'd stopped smiling the entire back half of the run. Seeing that average pace on my watch hovering between 9:19-9:22 told me everything I needed: 

You're going to do this.

Miles 22-25.5: I joined up with my family for the last 4-5. It didn't feel like a race. It felt like just another Sunday Runday at the river, maybe one of my miler method tempo runs, though, where my husband let me go just enough ahead of him to hear the cheers, but not feel pressured to adjust to his pace. I felt so freaking strong at this point, and kept doing the mental math to see how close I could get to breaking 4:10 if I held a 10min pace for the rest of it.  ...and then realized I could go below 4:05 without too much effort.

Mile 25.5-26.2: This was a weird stretch. I run with both my Garmin and Polar watches (due to how they're hooked up with different rewards programs and social networks). My Garmin usually shorts me on distance (compared to both my Polar and my friends' watches when we run the same route together), and it was really important to me that I hit the full distance on both watches... even if they were almost a quarter mile off from each other.
I hit the distance on my Polar easily in 4:03:46, but had to push hard to get in on my Garmin (4:04:49).

That kick, tho

Splits

Reflections

I feel like there's more to say, but it'll have to come at another time. For now, here are the random things in my head:

I'm so proud that I was able to "just go run a marathon" this morning ...and PR by over ten minutes.

I'm a little bummed I didn't try harder from the start, because I totally had a sub-4 in me today. I felt amazing at the end, pushing a 7:00 pace for that last bit. I've never felt better during a marathon.

This Hansons-esque training that my TP's coach has us on is AMAZING. 

I'm really grateful for my family, my training partner, and the ability to still be able to run through this. Running has been such an incredible coping mechanism for me over the past 10+ years, and today was one more time that it really delivered. 

Race Report: C Mile Test #2

I've been wanting/trying to hit a 6-minute mile for four years. I've failed multiple times, for a variety of reasons, and been delayed by injuries, losses, pregnancy, and conflicting goals along the way. I failed again today.

I love the feeling of accomplishment I get from pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Doing hard things and constantly exercising my ability to prove I've got more in me than I ever imagined I did is so empowering. No matter what's happening in life, running always makes me feel like I'm in control of something. 

Every day I run, I've accomplished something. I'm training for something. I'm making progress on something. The point isn't to hurry up and arrive at a destination or hit a goal (though that can be nice sometimes). It's about enjoying the journey, the continual pursuit of improvement, and conquering the challenges along the way.

Today, I learned what it felt like to push myself to another level. 

Today was a great day. 

 

Previous PR: 6:06 (4/8/21, 10/25/20, 10/18/20)

90% Goal: 6:10
50% Goal: 6:04
10% Goal: 5:59
Result: 6:01 (PR!!!!)

 

so grateful for these women

training partner + coach <3 

Training:

Two weeks ago, I finished up a six-week plan designed by my friend and coach, which included: 5-6 runs a week (1 day w/hills or strides, 1 beastly track workout, 1 fartlek/tempo, 1 long run day, and 1-2 easy, short run days) with 30-40mpw.

 

On Mile Trial day, I wasn't "in it", mentally, physically, or spiritually... and ran yet another 6:06 (at that point, I had THREE 6:06 mile attempts in a row, with one 6:09 preceding them). 

 

all about that 6:06, evidently...

 

 

While I wasn't disappointed by the work I didn't put in that day (and, honestly, was pretty pleased that a "bad day" yielded such a consistently strong result), I did want another go at it.

 

...so Coach had me repeat the last two weeks of the plan and try again.

 

 

Before:

It's been another kind of rough week at work, and my littlest hasn't been sleeping well. That's actually worked out well, because I haven't had any time to stress about the mile, or overthink it at all. I've done well with my nutrition (thanks to strategically timed grocery trips, meal planning/prepping, and not having any down time to munch mindlessly). I cut out strength training for the past week because it was "one more thing" to think about that I didn't have the bandwidth for. 

 

Similarly, I've let my evenings be a little more chill, choosing to binge The Queen's Gambit with my husband after the kids go to bed (which really just involves me falling asleep on his chest after about 20min, but it works for us) instead of reading code books (for work), trying to catch up on personal communication, fitting in strength workouts, or trying to execute anything for my multitude of other hobbies/organizations like I usually do in that 30-60min timeframe. 

 

I felt good when I woke up (at 3:45, because that's how my body rolls these days), laid in bed for a bit, and then go myself going for our 5am start time (much later than usual so that our coach could join in the fun). 

 

The weather was perfect... well, almost. After several weeks of mornings in the 50s and 60s, today was a rare 33 degrees with 2-3mph winds. It was just a liiiittle on the chilly side, but I was really happy about the cold snap. I run much better in 30s-40s than I do in the warmer weather. 

 

I met my training partner (who literally got up just to run a bit for fun and cheer for me) and my coach (who I don't think I've seen for any significant length of time in well over a year), and took a moment to be grateful to have these two amazing people in my life, who were literally only awake and here because they wanted to support me. 

 

We ran an easy two mile warm-up, talking a little about pacing/goals. My goal today was not to run a 6:00 mile, or even to PR, but rather to run (3) consecutive 90s laps, and then see what was possible on lap 4. 

 

I chose this goal for a few reasons:

1) I've gone out hot and crashed/burned on multiple past mile attempts

2) Why not try something different?

3) Seeing today as an "execution" trial of hitting splits instead of a "RUN A FAST MILE" helped me SO much, mentally

 

Coach was planning on pacing me through the first 800m, and then said she'd see what she could do. All I had to do, she said, was stay with her- let her do the work, but stay with her. 

 

 

Mile:

Lap 1 

This lap felt good, just like I thought it would. I loved not having to think about my watch, or my pace. I remember thinking about glancing down at one point, and, before I could, Coach's voice announced our first 200m split: "45- doesn't get any better than that!"

 

I stayed right on her shoulder through all of it. Around the 300m mark, I saw the back of her singlet: big white letters that said: "YOU GOT THIS", and almost commented aloud. Then I thought better of it, because she'd probably just chastise me (rightfully so) for talking. ;) 

 

We crossed the line just as my teammate said "90, 91". 

 

Lap 2 

This lap was harder, but also still manageable. I was able to stay on Coach's shoulder, and just execute. As we crossed the line again, hearing another "90" from my teammate, I prepared for my Coach to drop off, leaving me to the last half solo... but was so happy to see her continue. I think she knew I needed it.

 

Lap 3 

The third lap of the mile sucks. You're exhausted from the first bit, and it's hard and you don't want to keep doing it. I started falling off of Coach's shoulder around the 100m mark of this lap, and she instantly knew it, and picked up the vocal support with things like:

 

Don't give up.

You look strong. Stay strong.

Dig deep. 

You can do this.

 

I wanted to stop. I wanted to give up. Around the 200m turn, I actually wanted to stop so badly that I started imagining maybe just falling/collapsing on the track. If I fell to the ground, maybe that would be a valid reason to stop? But Coach's "don't give up" was just the message I needed to hear. It might not have mattered if I gave up on myself, but I didn't want to let her down, and that was what got me through the last 200m of that lap.

 

"88," said my teammate as we crossed the line.

 

"OMG, OMG. I'm doing it," I thought.

 

Lap 4

This was the lap I was waiting for. I'd made it through the "hard part" of the race, and now I just had to get around the track one more time. 

 

...and it was HARD. 

 

Coach kept right on with me, and I tried so hard to stay with her, but I was behind, just barely behind, but behind. I knew I wanted to be able to kick, but I couldn't kick yet, because I couldn't hold it for a full lap. 

 

Don't give up.

 

I couldn't make up the distance I'd lost on her (only a about 3-4 strides, but still distance), but I didn't let it grow. With 200m to go, I'd hoped to be able to kick. We were at 5:18. 42s to go. I could do it, but I'd have to GO.

 

I knew I couldn't keep a kick for 200, though, and waited until I'd gotten through the curve to start the kick. Spoiler alert: that might not have been the right call. 

 

I'd hoped to catch Coach on the last straightaway, but it didn't happen. I did, however, kick my little heart out, pushing as hard as I could for that 100m stretch.

 

LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL KICK.

 

...and then, for the first time ever, I laid down on the track, absolutely spent. 

 

 

 

Post-Mile Reflections:

I lapped my watch at 6:01. You might argue that I got my 6:00 mile today. Maybe it took me a second to cross and press "lap"? Our timer (splits below) lapped her watch at 6:02. Maybe she started it early or lapped it late? Or maybe not, and I ran more like a 6:04. Whatever the time is/was, I don't really care. I've used my Garmin for ever mile, relying on my own lapping skills for my "official" times, and I'm calling today a 6:01 based on that. 

 

Whatever the absolute number, though, it's a solid five second PR, and that's huge on a mile. 

 

More importantly, though, I rocked the execution:

 

recall the first lap had the extra 9m too, which means it was a 90s

 

I'd wanted a 3:00-3:01 800m. Nailed it. 

I'd wanted to stick that pace for a third 400m. Nailed it.

 

I'd wanted to give it all I had on the last 400m, whatever that was.

Laying on the track after the mile, I didn't think I could have gone any faster.

 

 

About a minute after I got up, I was already having, "I wanna do that again. I can go faster" thoughts. 

 

 

 

More Reflections:

• Getting to come home, tell my kids what I did, and having the little one say "Mommy fast Mommy fast Mommy fast" while the older one double high-fived me and did a little "YOU DID IT, MOMMY" happy dance/song was literally the best. The older one's been aware of my training enough to know I've "failed" the last few times, but persisted, and was truly proud of me. 
• I am so proud of my execution today, and so grateful for my friends who were able to be there with me (and those who I talked to before/after online, too)
• If I didn't give up today because I was afraid of letting someone else down, imagine what I could do once I'm doing it 100% for myself. 
• I've learned so much through this mile training process over the past four years, and I'm truly grateful to be continuously developing as a runner. There's always something new to learn, another method to see how to I react to (mentally and physically), different styles and executions, and constant new challenges. There's always something to work on, and always something to reach towards, but also always something to celebrate. 
• For me, running, began as a way to lose weight, fight depression, and feel a little less guilty about eating so many Nilla wafers. It's turned into the single biggest source of self-confidence in my life, teaching me about diligence and commitment, introducing me to my best friends, and improving my health and well-being along the way. 
• Yay, running. 

 

6:01, y'all. :D 

 

literally burned a hole in my shoes today

guess it's time to retire this pair...

 

 

What's Next?

Um, idk... Trying not to run tomorrow? lol. 

 

I'm actually looking forward to some long easy miles in the near future. Maybe I'll try another 10x10 challenge? 

 

Race Report: Virtual Peachtree Road Race

Previous PR: 47:53 (5/6/2017)

Goals: 55:00ish
Result: 49:37

Training:
Nope. None of that up in here. lol. I've been keeping 25-30mpw for awhile, with tempo Sundays, but no trackwork. I'm also halfway through an 8-week lifting program. My diet's been ho-hum, and I had a week of sickness less than two weeks ago. 

Pre-Race:
Kid birthday/Thanksgiving madness, and lots of wine the day before meant that I was just happy to be out running. My oldest had asked to accompany me for "Peachtree", so I knew I was going to be pushing about 80+ pounds of weight. Originally, I'd wanted to do the greenway, but the previous days' rain/storms meant there was a good chance I'd encounter down trees or flooding... so I opted for the river. 

I haven't raced with a stroller in... a very long time. I also hadn't, until this week, really thought about doing a real "race" Peachtree. Ultimately, I decided I wasn't going to race it, but just wanted to give it more effort than I would a normal run, to make it feel "more like a race". I figured somewhere around the 54-56min mark would be a good estimate, but definitely didn't have a goal in mind. 


Race:
I think this was the worst start to a race I've ever had. It was low 60s with 100% humidity, so I opted for a sports bra alone (well, and shorts, obv). Since I wanted my bib to be prominent, to feel a sense of camaraderie with any other virtual P-tree-ers we might see, this meant I was pretty darn cold to start. I got my stroller and kid ready, explaining "Mommy's racing today, so we're not stopping for snacks. You keep the snacks you brought in your stroller pocket and just feed yourself at our normal landmarks." 

Our normal parking spot didn't give me a good ONB route (it would've been about a mile short). I wanted an easy ONB, so I parked a little further down the path. I think I kind of thought about warming up for a mile, and then going into it... but then ended up just kind of taking off... from a dead, cold start. No stretching. No warm-up. No thought about drinking water, etc. Just GO. 

Then I realized within the first half mile that I was freaking flying. Sooo, guess we're racing right off the bat, eh? 

Mile 1: 7:55

Hot damn. I'm running sub-8s with a stroller. That'll be a great fast 5K, and then I can slow it down a bit.

Mile 2: 7:59

Oh, hey.. this is still feeling good? 

Mile 3: 8:05

Had to slow down a little along the boardwalk section, due to lots of people and lots of turns. Also, kid started talking to me here, so we had a bit of conversation.

5K mark: 24:59

Sooo, that's a sub-25 with the stroller. Do that again, and you've got yourself a sub-50 10K-- something you've only ever done twice, with some serious effort (Flying Pig, Sizzler). Guess that means I'm just close enough to not be able to give up...

Mile 4: 8:04

Had to open a pack of teething biscuits for the kid at the turn-around, but still felt pretty good. Thinking back, I actually feel like this race was really similar to my current 10K PR at Flying Pig. It was an effort to keep the pace, but not unsustainable.

Mile 5: 8:13

Things got a little harder here. I had to tell my kid "Mommy can't talk right now-- we'll discuss when I'm done with the race". Still, I knew in my head that I was just on the edge of a sub-50 with a stroller, and was not going to let that go gently.

Mile 6: 7:43

This entire mile was a mental game. If you can just keep yourself under 8, you've got it. Under 8:00? Of course I can do that. 

Kick: 6:53/mi

I finished in 49:37, and was SO freaking proud of myself. 

pace graph

Reflections:

• If I can do this with a stroller on a whim, what am I capable of with training and the right mindset? :D 
• Also, clearly, as multiple teammates have pointed out to me, I do best when I don't think about my race much ahead of time and don't psych myself out. Heh. 
• I did Peachtree with this munchkin in my belly several years ago, today in the stroller, and hope to do it again with him at my side when he ages in several years from now. That's really cool 

Race Report: Miler Method #4, Take 2

Knowing I'm physically capable of my goal time, but being held back by mental strategy/execution is a weird sort of purgatory...

Previous PR: 6:06 (10/17/2020)

90% Goal: 6:10
50% Goal: 6:00
10% Goal: 5:XX
Result: 6:06ish

Training:

This was a second take at a mile time trial following the six-week Miler Method bootcamp, with Coaches Sierra and Nick Willis. 

• 6 runs a week (1 hill or strides, 1 tempo + track intervals, 1 tempo, and 3 "easy" days)
• intermittent core/strength workouts (that I actually did most of this time around)
• ~35-40mpw
• one additional week with some easy running and some pacing drills three days out from the mile

Before:
After a whole lot of distractions going into my original mile trial last week, I made a conscious effort to prioritize myself and my running goals this week. I ate well. I thought about running a little bit every day. I planned my work week out (hour by hour) on Monday so that I could just execute tasks instead of having to expend energy figuring out what to do, how to do it, and prioritizing (note: this didn't actually work because my deadine was shifted again, but I didn't let that knock me off my game the same was I did last week). 

There's no wind forecast for "race day", but the temperatures are a good bit higher than they were last weekend (64 vs 48) and we've got 100% humidity and a chance of drizzle. I'm not too thrilled about this, but I'm also trying to remember that I ran a 6:08 earlier in the year, during July.... in Atlanta. Surely I can handle a little heat. 

I feel confident. I did a couple easy miles on the treadmill this morning (day before the mile) and felt so strong. My core felt engaged. My legs felt energized. I felt like I had all of this energy and enthusiasm inside just waiting to be unleashed. 

I'm also a bit nervous. What if I can't control that energy and I go out too fast. What if I aim for even splits, nail 90s each time, but then totally biff the last lap? What if, what if, what if... 

I want to write "I'm going to break 6 tomorrow" right now. But I'm scared to make a claim that I can't guarantee. I know I'm capable of it. This might be as confident as I've ever been about any race/time goal in my life, but writing it down is cocky, and then, if I don't get it... well, then it's embarrassing. 

Night Before:

Had tacos and a shot of bourbon (for luck), did some yoga, laid out my clothes, and set an alarm... Let's do this. 

Pre-Mile: 

I woke up at 3:45am, sans alarm, again, after a relatively good night of sleep. The warm-up felt... warm. While we didn't have any wind, it was 100% humidity and mid-60s, much warmer than last week. By the end of the 15min WU, I'd taken my singlet off, and was solidly moist. 

After my strides, I still didn't feel "ready", but I never truly do. My teammate lined up at mile start, and I jogged up to punch it at the line... and then, hearing "No" from her, stopped and turned around. 

"I said 'Go'," she said, confused. 

"Oh... I thought you said 'no', and hadn't hit your stopwatch yet.... sorry."

Mile:

Lap 1 a very manufactured 89s split (but probably more like 84-85s)

We had a second start, and this time the start was a bit off on my end since I wasn't sure I'd actually hit my watch at the line. It took me about 20m to verify it was good, and then hit my stride.

I hit the 100m in 19s. It should have been 22.5, if it were truly 100m (but it's a little longer with those extra ~9 for the full mile on a 400m track). In my head, I knew I was too fast, but let myself reason it away, saying that I always kick a little to start, but settle in. Plus, I'd had an 88s start last week, with wind, with a bad attitude, and still had a good time. I should be fine.

200m split: 41 (should have been 45)

I should have stopped here... taken a breath, maybe let my teammate run first, and then tried again... but that wasn't even a thought in my mind. Instead, I just kept running, thinking how easy this felt. 

As I came down the straightaway to close Lap 1, I shouted to my teammate to read the split times louder, since I couldn't hear her.

"81, 82, 83..."

Considering I was going for 90, I really should have stopped then. Instead, I kind of did a weird artificial slow-down to hit my first 400m in a far more reasonable 88-89ish seconds.

Lap 2 92s

I don't know why I didn't process in the moment that I'd completely overrun my time and what, exactly that was going to do to my last couple of laps. On Lap 2, I still felt good. I don't remember what my split was, but I think it was somewhere around 91-92. I also remember feeling vaguely pleased that I was "on pace" (cough, for that lap, cough).

Lap 3 96s

"Ugh, it's hot," I remember thinking on this lap. This is where it started to huuuuuuurt. Unlike last week, I couldn't "lean in" to this lap. It just sucked the whole way through. I felt myself spiraling downward, and knew it was gonna be a bad lap as soon as it started.... 96s. Ouch, there's no coming back from that one. 

Lap 4 ?

Still, I did what I could to try to slowly build that last 400. It was a lost cause, though. I hated every single second of that lap. I thought about cutting the course to make up time... but you can't cut the course on a track. lol. Even if I'd been able to, it wouldn't have done anything. Everything hurt, but I still tried to build effort, if not speed, throughout the last lap. 

My watch had 5:34 with a little under 200m to go. Knowing there was no way I was running a 26s 200m, it was hard to not just throw in the towel and jog it in... but doing that would mean I wouldn't know what that last bit felt like, so I kept going.

"Don't give up. This isn't going to be what you wanted, but you can still get something worthwhile out of it."

I didn't know what my time was when I crossed the line, but remember telling my teammate:

"Don't go out too fast. OMG, don't do it. It's the absolute worst."

If you ask my teammate, she had ~6:07 on her clock. I split my watch at 6:05.9. So, we'll call it 6:06ish. 

^how not to run a mile

Post-Mile Reflections:

I'll admit I was disappointed with how this run shook out. After a stellar performance on way too much bourbon, taco shells, poptarts, and an IDAFG attitude last week with wind, I had a ton of confidence going into this weekend.

...and, again, I proved to myself that I need to find something between those two extremes in terms of mental prep. I wasn't nervous about this "race". Truly, I thought I had it in the bag. Maybe I was so rarin' to go that I didn't let myself have the right sort of calm, collected approach that I end up with on my more carefree days. 

Whatever it was, I was absolutely amazed that I could run the same(ish) time as last week, and have it feel completely different. Last week didn't feel easy, but it felt strong, and hard in all the right aways. This week, it was just horrible. So much horrible, hard, and exhausting... all too soon. 

So, takeaways:

1. There might be something to that comment a friend made that:

 "Maybe that’s the trick, you train so well that you enter the goal race with an “idgaf” attitude and bam, PR. You say you always have your best races when you don’t care 😉"

2. I think I could benefit from having one of my faster friends pace me through the first 400m and the last 200m. I did this for my teammate today, and absolutely loved being able to keep her on pace (or, at the very least, show her how far ahead she was at the 200m and slow her down before it was too late) and then bring out a kick for her in the end. Either way, I could use some practice pacing myself. 

3. It's really satisfying to have the confidence to say "I can run a 6:00 mile" even though I haven't done it yet. It's also really frustrating to know that it isn't physical ability holding me back; it's mental. Physical ability seems like it's "easier" to handle. If you can't run that fast, then you can't run that fast, and there's something concrete that makes the goal unattainable for you right now. There's a reason it can't happen, and reason that can't just "go away" with some positive thinking. 

Knowing that the reason I haven't hit 6 yet is mental is harder for me. It's me holding me back. It kind of feels like I'm 16 again, learning how to drive, and I'm trying over and over again to keep my car on the driveway as I go around and around our little turnaround circle...  My parents are telling me "constant radius" over and over, reminding me that this is "simple", and there's nothing wrong with the car; it's me who has to figure out when to turn the wheel and when to STOP TURNING IT FURTHER. But, instead of finding the direction the wheel needs to go and holding it there, I'm messing with it the whole time, unable to settle in, over-correcting and under-correcting and, as a result, going all over (or off, rather) the path. 

My body's capable of a 6min mile. I just need to figure out how to execute it.

Next Steps:

I really want to try again soon, and get it done, cross this goal off of my list... but I also know that I need a bit of a break from these moving deadlines (man, both this one and work are just killing me right now. I hate not being able to cross anything off as "complete"). 

So, I'll take some time, enjoy getting back to my regularly scheduled long runs, instead of extending the "taper madness" for another week. Maybe I'll give it another go in early November on a day where I'm "feeling cute, might PR". Maybe I'll decide to do another round through the training plan I covered these past six weeks before trying again. I'm not sure yet, but I'll give it another go sometime. I'm capable of it...  I just have to get out of my own way.